she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
