new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
