i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
