I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
foreskin is a definite game changer
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
