So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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