Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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