I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
