marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
