His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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