Why are handjobs necessary in class?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
