I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
