I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
