I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
