i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
