We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
