Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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