Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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