Umm I'm too high to move.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize
