I think i peed on brittanys purse
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
