Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
