That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
