You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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