I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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