There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
