Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
