I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
