she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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