My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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