Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
