I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
