If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
