I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
