As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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