I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
