Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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