I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
