My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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