girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
