my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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