i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
