hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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