I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
