Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
