i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
