How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
