My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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