before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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