All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
