From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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