she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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