i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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